I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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