Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
