yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
