CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
