Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
