life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
