In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
