he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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