You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
