The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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