Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
