Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
