I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
