Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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