2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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