I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
