I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
that's an acceptable place to lick
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
