No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
