according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
