You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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