She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
