Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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