The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
