he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
