I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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