Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
