If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
