Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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