I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
