How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
