My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
