TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
