got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
