i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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