He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
