I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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