Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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