I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
