Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize