The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
