mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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