i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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