guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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