Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
