hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My cat gives me a boner
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
