hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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