Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
