How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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