i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
