I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
