3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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