you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
pop tarts are not kleenex
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize