i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
