My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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