I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
