you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
