Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
