It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
