my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
