I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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