i don't like sucking hair
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
