I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
