the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We got so high we made milksteak
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
