I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
