I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
