Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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