i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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