You smell like stripper and shame
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
