I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
