You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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