i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
