She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize